Celebrating the Mothers Who Never Were
Every year, the world celebrates Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. This is a beautiful thing but it often leaves out the women and men whose parenting role is adopted (mostly forced upon them by societal standards); a role that has had a toll on the personal, relationship, financial, emotional, etc. well-being of this person.
I, purposely and consciously remember and reach out to these mothers and fathers who, though may not have their biological offsprings or may not have enough for their children or selves), they deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged.
; an annual Special Day that acknowledges and appreciates motherhood and related roles. I celebrate all mothers and mother figures out there.
This Mother’s Day, I send a special dedication to the women (and men) who were/ are forced into ‘motherhood’ roles by circumstances.
Abused Sacrifices
There are people who sacrifice self to parent everyone except themselves. Those who have missed out on their lives, including not making their own homes or giving birth to their own children because their energy and time goes to parent siblings, relatives, parents, etc….
The mother figures who are taken for granted… the ones whose pain and loneliness is rarely felt. YOU MATTER. YOU DESERVE to be celebrated too.
“Your dreams are valid”
A Little History
The definition of a mother ranges from context to context but ultimately, the wider definition is that of a biological mother. The woman whose eggs eventually became the baby or the woman who conceived, bore the pregnancy, and bore the child. The few concepts that acknowledge motherhood refer to biological mother, surrogate mother, stepmother, and or some philanthropists.
Special Dedication to the mothers who never were
There is a special group of mothers who are often left out during this acknowledgement and celebration day; people who were/ are in one way or another forced by circumstances to take up the mother role to parent the people around them. A role that was (still is) demanding of their time, physical, and emotional energy to a point where one is forced to put her wellbeing in the back seat. A role that is rarely, if ever, appreciated.
To these mother figures, Mothers’ Day (more than other days) serves a painful reminder of the emptiness, loneliness, and lost opportunities that these lovely and kind people feel. To make it worse, these feelings are invalidated or discouraged by the society and these mothers are often told to “stop whining”, “get over it”, or “suck it up”. Such disregard pushes these women to feel more alone and hopeless.
- “Who do you talk to when you feel like the Life Force is ebbing out of you yet you are way behind in your life achievements all because you invested your everything elsewhere?”
- “Who do you talk to when you have been insulted and taken advantage of over and over again by the same people you gave your all to a point of passing up personal and life-changing opportunities?”
- “Who do you talk to when you feel so helpless and hopeless?”
TODAY I take this opportunity to reach out to the mothers who never were. The people who want(ed) desperately to have their children (and pursue personal dreams) but did not and do not have the fair, free, and seemingly-normal life opportunities to do so.
On this, and every day, I CELEBRATE YOU. I acknowledge and understand your sacrifice. I pray for a better day for you – and I share practical tips to starting to reclaim your life (see the last paragraphs).
Say NO to Pressing Societal Pressures
At a certain age, the biggest questions the society nags women with in a subtle or not-so-subtle manner include:
- “When will you have children?”
- “Aren’t you worried your biological clock is ticking?”
- “Why aren’t you married and have a family of your own?”
- “Why are you lagging behind in your career or have minimal investments yet you have no children to take care of?”
The worst version of this ‘bullying’, as I call it, is when people come up with all sorts of hurtful assumptions and explanations of why a certain woman does not have children. Of course there are some members of the bullying society that go ahead to broadcast their ignorant and hurtful assumptions.
I once read a post on “Mind your own womb”, and I think every living soul should read that post if only to gain a little insight and sensitivity towards other people’s children’ woes.
The Gist
There are girls and women of diverse ages who were/ are forced into mother roles before their ages for different reasons. It is assumed a normal role to take but no one questions or acknowledges the personal sacrifices the person takes. In the event of a parent/ guardian’s demise or incapacitation, female children are more likely expected to assume every inch of home care. For the mothers and mother figures in the house, you know that motherly duties range from emotional to physical to psychological support of all who are under your care. Whereas male children may take up a few roles too, theirs is almost always be limited to financial support if and when they get jobs later on in life; shall we all acknowledge how much financial support from the males will be more than appreciated compared to any and all timely, physical, and emotional input of their female counterparts?
Assuming the mother role early on in life (not because she got married or bore children) way before she was physically and mentally ready for the role is strenuous to say the least. The demand on every fiber of energy is overwhelming especially when there is zero support coming from outside. The burden magnifies to life/ sanity-threatening levels if these same young women, beyond providing and caring for the adopted families, have to constantly bear personal abuse or have to protect their adopted family members from any and all sorts of abuse.
There is no telling how long the adopted families remain under the care of the adoptive mother. For a young lady, these responsibilities are massive, and time consuming. There is minimal time to think about, let alone take care of, oneself since you are always thinking and working to ensure the others are well-catered for. There is zero time to rest or engage in self-development activities since you have to be physically present for any and all roles your new role calls you to. Years pass by, opportunities pass you by; your mental and physical well-being take toll. And yet, there is no running away from it. There is no gratitude for your immense sacrifice. Everybody goes about their business as if it was their right to have you sacrifice your life for them.
The pain is worse if the same people you sacrificed immeasurable time, energy, emotional well-being, finances, relationships, opportunities, etc. turn their back and insult you!
“How can you quantify hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades of worrying about others when you were less-than equipped to handle their emotional, physical, financial, etc. need?”
You find and feel yourself overly old (your actual age not withstanding) and tired beyond your years since you have already put in so much in your years.
You may feel resentment for multiple things. You wish you had answers.
You never had the chance to experience life as a normal person of your age at any given time, and as much as you desired to have a family or children of your own, you were too busy taking care of others. If you dare to leave and care for yourself, you are judged harshly and the society will never let you forget how ‘selfish’ the members think you are.
You feel like time is running out or has run out for your dreams.
Your peers or relatives do not want to associate with you because you no longer share family/ children, social, economic, career statuses, etc. and you ‘seem’ too damaged to them and they do not want baggage.
You desire to achieve so many things but you are exhausted physically and mentally – and the world does not sympathise with you or give you a break.
My wish for you
To all you out there:
- I celebrate you; every single ounce of energy you spent on others and put yourself aside
- May your healing start soonest
- May you have accelerated favour in every sphere of your life to help you catch-up (where possible) with all your lost opportunities
How to Reclaim your life
No matter how bad things are; take time to honour yourself.
Take time to rest.
Take time to think about and pursue your dreams.
NOTHING is worth losing your sanity and jeopardizing your health for.
My Story
I am 35.5 years old. I assumed motherly duties of my siblings and my dad when my mum died a week before I turned 18. I have put in sweat and blood. Apart from my sister (God Bless her heart) who was only a toddler at the time of our mother’s demise) I have zero relationships. I have an estranged extensive extended family; protecting my immediate family severed whatever relations existed. Studying was insanely difficult – try studying while worrying about not only your fees and upkeep, but also worrying about a family that needs every ounce of your energy to stay afloat if only for a day longer. It did not help that, like many other young people all over the world, I went for almost a decade without a job to support my most basic need. When your life doesn’t take the ‘expected’ normal route, you get to experience how nasty human beings can get.
Surviving
Thankfully, as close as I got to losing my sanity, I did not. I am alive and well. I recently got a good job; great colleagues too; feels a bit interesting having a couple of people to talk to J. I am a survivor (I do not care how insignificant the definition of a survivor is from other people’s perspective is) and I know my strength. Sure I have my weaknesses and I may not match other people’s expectation of what a woman of my age should or should not be; I walk with a steady gait and my head high; I enjoy endless FRIENDS (TV Sitcom) and other comedies; I make and consume my favourite meals; I follow my new dreams which include bike riding (learnt that end f 2016), DIY Projects, Online Work, professional consultation, etc. I refuse to let anyone pressure me into an age box that limits what I can or can’t do.
I have my Bucket List: You know, a list of things I always dreamt I should pursue before I die. I know you are wondering why a 35-year-old has a bucket list. Well, life has a way of sneaking up on you especially when special circumstances, beyond your control, set in and disrupts your well-planned out life. Plus I have lived beyond my years.
I missed out on opportunities and key life moments but I have edited my dreams and goals accordingly. Every day I make a conscious decision to not let my losses and pain and past derail me from today. However, I do not ignore anything/ any emotion that needs to be addressed today. I choose which battles to fight and which ones are just not worth it. I have to live the rest of my life the best I can. To just enjoy taking a deep breath of fresh air and feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin is priceless to me. I enjoy the little things like sleeping soundly for once in my life. I conceptualize and pursue insanely mega dreams (thankfully some materialize and others are in the process) that I would have never dreamt of.
I may never catch-up with some life aspects and all I ever desired but I have consciously set out to give myself the queenly treatment I deserve.
As for you precious one:
You go out there and make life happen for you. If you have people who appreciate you, fine, let them treat you. If not, treat yourself. Do not let anyone box you into an age bracket that prevents you from enjoying life in the slightest.
You are allowed to mourn for your losses – be they death or missed opportunities – just like everyone else. The fact that others around you may be experiencing pain or joy should not negate your own experiences. You can empathize with others and still acknowledge your feelings. Don’t let anyone tell you you deserve less.
NO matter how young or old you are, 20, 30, 40, 60, 80…, it’s not too late to start over or make life-changing decisions.
Immense love and hugs from me.
